Many things are going on lately. At last when I couldn’t take it anymore, I decided to write something. As I opened my WordPress to write, all I could see was this stark white editor page staring at me, with four words in the background- “Share your story here…”
I have written many posts but these four words never hit me as much right now. As if they are mocking me, as if all of this is planned. To break the silence, I randomly scribble a title, the first thing that comes in my mind right now- Start Over.
Start over, but what? I don’t know myself. But there is something within me shouting start over, start over... May be those four words- “Share your story here”- triggered so many memories/stories I am trying hard to unlearn or pretending to forget.
Sometimes when you start something new- a new chapter in your life(it could be anything). And as the things happen- some in the way you wanted/imagined them and some or I should say many things turn out the way you had never imagined or expected. At that very moment you wish to rewrite those things like the way you wanted and wish to forget what they turned out to be. In other words you wish to Start Over.
This is the difference between Starting and Starting Over anything. Starting comes with the promise of something fresh and unwritten. It adds comfort as well as excitement. Whereas, Starting Over, no matter how much hope these words give you, there is always an ‘over’ attached to it. How much hard you try, you are not able to ignore the staleness attached to this phrase- Starting Over. It might sound bitter but it’s the reality. So when somebody tells me you can still start over– I don’t know how to tell them what I feel.
It’s not that I didn’t try or was scared of starting anything. But everytime I did, I found myself at lost roads. I realized that you can only start anything new and in a carefree way, when you have something to return to, in case you get lost in the process. I had nothing to return to. Just empty spaces and more doubts.
As a result of which, these things made me sick of the process of Starting Over. After that, I started taking careful steps, not expecting from the process. Just taking steps that look achievable or doable to me. Setting low standards for myself and my happiness. Carefully channelizing things and people in my life. By not doing or talking about the things that break me. I was not the kind of person who thinks too much before trying new things.
Therefore, it’s not a one day change as all my past experiences have made me like this. So, even if I get lost in the process again, it won’t hurt that much. It’s better this way instead of doubting myself by expecting too much from myself. This is not who I am, this is what I have become.
P.S. 1. Images are from the movie- “Happy Together” (1997).
2. There is a song called Woman (from the Album: Delta)by Mumford& Sons, that I have been listening incessantly these days. I don’t know why, but this song makes me think a lot. It makes me believe that Starting Over could be good thing as well. You can check it out in this link below: